One of the most common questions clients bring into therapy is:
"How do I know if this feeling is my intuition warning me, or just my anxiety trying to take over?"
It’s an important — and complicated — question. Both intuition and anxiety are tied to our internal sense of safety. Both show up as feelings in our bodies. Both, in their own way, are trying to protect us. But when we confuse them, it can cause real consequences: either avoiding opportunities unnecessarily or dismissing genuine gut instincts that could have kept us safe.
Research shows that around 19% of U.S. adults experience an anxiety disorder each year (National Institute of Mental Health, 2023). Given how common anxiety is, it makes sense that many of us wrestle with distinguishing fear-based thinking from intuitive knowing.
So how can we tell the difference?
It helps to start with how each one tends to feel:

• Intuition feels calm, steady, and clear. Even if it brings a warning, it delivers the message with a grounded certainty. It might say, “This isn’t right for you,” but without panic or urgency.
  
• Anxiety feels frantic, overwhelming, and urgent. It fills your mind with “What if?” spirals and often causes physical symptoms like a pounding heart, nausea, sweating, or tightness in your chest.
  

Here’s an example from therapy:
One client shared standing in the parking lot after a job interview. A part of her felt a steady, wordless knowing that something about the company culture wasn’t right. That was intuition. But minutes later, the anxiety storm hit: "Maybe you’re just imagining it. What if you never get another offer? What if you’re being ungrateful?" The spinning thoughts weren’t her gut — they were her fear.
Picture yourself at a crossroads:

• If you feel a quiet, deep certainty pointing you toward (or away from) something — even if it's hard — it’s probably intuition.
  
• If your mind races through catastrophes and demands immediate action, it’s likely anxiety.
  

Another key difference is their behavior:

• Intuition tends to speak once and trusts you to act on it.
  
• Anxiety loops, second-guesses, and demands constant attention.
  

Another client once told me that when she was deciding whether to move in with her boyfriend, her intuition said clearly, "Not yet." It was a sad but peaceful knowing. But then the anxiety kicked in: "What if he leaves you? What if you regret it? What if you’re being too scared?" She described her anxiety as “pounding and relentless,” while the intuitive feeling had been “quiet and firm.”
Studies also show that people with anxiety disorders often experience a phenomenon called threat hypervigilance — where the brain is wired to constantly scan for danger, even when none exists (Grupe & Nitschke, 2013). This wiring can make anxiety feel louder and more persistent than intuition.
A simple self-check you can try when you're caught in uncertainty:

• Pause.
  
• Take a few deep breaths.
  
• Ask yourself: If I quiet the noise of fear, what do I already know deep inside?
  

Usually, intuition will be there — a steady whisper underneath the panic.
Why it matters:
Mistaking anxiety for intuition can lead to missed opportunities — relationships, careers, friendships, or experiences that could have brought fulfillment.
Mistaking intuition for anxiety can cause us to override vital red flags — stepping into harmful situations we could have avoided.
Learning to tell the difference is not about getting it perfect — it’s a practice. It takes patience, self-compassion, and sometimes the support of a therapist or trusted guide.
But with consistent effort, you begin to trust yourself — not just your choices, but your inner compass itself.

Relationships can be a source of deep connection and security, but for many individuals, they can also feel like an emotional rollercoaster. If you’ve ever found yourself caught in a pattern where one moment you crave closeness and the next you push your partner away, you may be experiencing a push-pull dynamic. This pattern often stems from unresolved abandonment wounds and can create a cycle of emotional instability that is difficult to break.
Understanding the Push-Pull DynamicPush-pull dynamics occur when one or both partners vacillate between seeking intimacy and creating distance. At the core of this behavior is an internal conflict: a deep longing for connection paired with an intense fear of being hurt or left behind. This results in one or both partners engaging in behaviors such as:

• Pursuing closeness (initiating affection, seeking reassurance, craving emotional connection)
• Creating distance (withdrawing, shutting down, becoming emotionally unavailable)

The cycle can be exhausting for both partners and often leads to confusion, frustration, and emotional pain.
The Role of Abandonment WoundsAbandonment wounds often originate in childhood, stemming from experiences such as neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or parental loss. These early experiences shape the way individuals form attachments in adult relationships. People with abandonment fears may subconsciously reenact past relational patterns, expecting rejection or abandonment and acting in ways that make those fears feel inevitable.
For example, someone with deep abandonment fears may:

• Cling to their partner when they feel insecure, seeking constant reassurance.
• Push their partner away if they start feeling too vulnerable, fearing that intimacy will lead to eventual rejection.
• Attract emotionally unavailable partners who reinforce their fear of abandonment.

This creates a self-fulfilling cycle, where the very behaviors intended to create security end up driving disconnection.
How to Break the CycleBreaking free from the push-pull dynamic requires self-awareness, emotional healing, and intentional relationship patterns. Here are some steps to help:
1. Recognize the PatternAwareness is the first step to change. Notice when you feel the urge to pull your partner closer or push them away, and reflect on what emotions are driving these actions.
2. Heal Abandonment WoundsTherapy can be a powerful tool for addressing deep-seated fears of abandonment. Inner child work, attachment-focused therapy, and trauma processing can help heal past wounds.
3. Communicate OpenlyHonest conversations about fears and insecurities can foster understanding in relationships. Expressing needs without blame allows for emotional safety and stability.
4. Develop Secure Attachment SkillsPracticing self-soothing techniques, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to tolerate emotional intimacy can help shift toward a secure attachment style.
5. Choose Partners Who Are Emotionally AvailableIf you find yourself repeatedly drawn to partners who reinforce abandonment fears, consider exploring why. Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to engage in secure connection.
Final ThoughtsIf you struggle with push-pull dynamics in your relationships, know that you’re not alone. These patterns often stem from deeply rooted fears, but with awareness and healing, it is possible to cultivate stable, fulfilling connections. Therapy can be a transformative space to explore these dynamics, process past wounds, and build healthier relationship habits.
If you’re ready to work on breaking the cycle, consider scheduling a session to start your healing journey.

What Is Codependency?
Codependency is a deeply ingrained pattern where one person’s sense of self-worth and identity becomes tied to another’s well-being. While it was first identified in families struggling with addiction, codependency can emerge in any kind of relationship — romantic, familial, or even in friendships — where emotional boundaries blur and personal needs are constantly sacrificed.
In therapy, clients struggling with codependency often describe feeling exhausted, resentful, invisible, or uncertain about who they are without the roles they play for others. One client described it best: “I don’t know where I end and everyone else begins.”
Common signs of codependency include:

• Feeling responsible for managing others' emotions or problems
  
• Struggling to set and maintain boundaries
  
• Relying heavily on external approval for self-esteem
  
• People-pleasing and fearing abandonment
  
• Suppressing personal needs, often without realizing it
  

Where Codependency Takes Root: Family Systems
While codependency can happen in any environment, it’s most common in families where survival — emotional or physical — depends on staying attuned to others' needs:

1. Families with Addiction or Substance Abuse
   Children in these families often step into caretaker roles early. They learn that maintaining the emotional balance of the home — calming an angry father, cleaning up after an intoxicated mother — is necessary for survival. Research shows that about 40% of adult children of alcoholics struggle with codependent behaviors.
   
2. Enmeshed Families
   In enmeshed families, there is little separation between individuals. Privacy, emotional independence, and autonomy are discouraged. Love is confused with control. Children grow up believing that their worth depends on maintaining the family’s image or emotional comfort.
   
3. Families with Mental Illness or Chronic Illness
   When a family member struggles with mental or chronic physical illness, children often become "junior caregivers." While compassion is natural, their lives may become so consumed by caretaking that they lose the chance to explore their own identities.
   
4. Narcissistic or Emotionally Unavailable Parents
   In families with narcissistic or distant parents, children learn to perform, perfect, or placate to get minimal validation. Their emotional needs are unmet, leading to a lifelong pattern of overfunctioning in relationships.
   

The Emotional Toll of Codependency
Left unchecked, codependency can have serious consequences:

• Loss of Identity: A person may define themselves solely by what they do for others, not who they are. Over time, they lose touch with their dreams, goals, and preferences.
  
• Chronic Stress and Anxiety: The emotional labor of constantly tuning into others' needs often leads to physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, fatigue, and insomnia. Studies suggest that people with high codependency traits are more likely to experience generalized anxiety disorder and depression.
  
• Unhealthy Relationships: Codependent individuals are more likely to attract partners who are emotionally unavailable, controlling, or struggling with addiction — recreating familiar, dysfunctional patterns.
  
• Fear of Abandonment and People-Pleasing: Many clients describe staying in harmful relationships out of fear of being alone or rejected — often ignoring their own hurt in the process.
  
• Difficulty with Boundaries: Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. In codependency, the lines between “me” and “you” are so blurred that a person may either overextend themselves or enable destructive behaviors without realizing it.
  

Healing from Codependency
Healing is possible, but it requires a deep commitment to self-awareness and change. Some first steps include:

• Develop Self-Awareness: Therapy can help you uncover the childhood dynamics that shaped codependent patterns. Recognizing these unconscious behaviors is crucial.
  
• Set Healthy Boundaries: Learning to say “no” without guilt is transformational. Boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional health.
  
• Prioritize Self-Care: Reconnecting with your own needs, passions, and interests strengthens your identity and prevents emotional burnout.
  
• Seek Support: Joining therapy groups like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) or working individually with a therapist provides the guidance and encouragement needed for lasting change.
  

A Personal Note
One client I worked with described healing from codependency as "peeling back layers of armor I didn’t even know I was wearing.” Over time, she rebuilt her identity around her values — not around who she could please or rescue.
Final Thoughts
Codependency is not a life sentence. It’s a set of learned behaviors — and what is learned can be unlearned. By investing in your own healing, you are not only reclaiming your emotional autonomy but also building the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
If you see yourself in these patterns, you are not alone — and you are not broken. Therapy can offer a safe space to untangle old wounds and begin writing a new story grounded in self-respect, balance, and true connection.

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