One of the most common questions clients bring into therapy is:
"How do I know if this feeling is my intuition warning me, or just my anxiety trying to take over?"
It’s an important — and complicated — question. Both intuition and anxiety are tied to our internal sense of safety. Both show up as feelings in our bodies. Both, in their own way, are trying to protect us. But when we confuse them, it can cause real consequences: either avoiding opportunities unnecessarily or dismissing genuine gut instincts that could have kept us safe.
Research shows that around 19% of U.S. adults experience an anxiety disorder each year (National Institute of Mental Health, 2023). Given how common anxiety is, it makes sense that many of us wrestle with distinguishing fear-based thinking from intuitive knowing.
So how can we tell the difference?
It helps to start with how each one tends to feel:

• Intuition feels calm, steady, and clear. Even if it brings a warning, it delivers the message with a grounded certainty. It might say, “This isn’t right for you,” but without panic or urgency.
  
• Anxiety feels frantic, overwhelming, and urgent. It fills your mind with “What if?” spirals and often causes physical symptoms like a pounding heart, nausea, sweating, or tightness in your chest.
  

Here’s an example from therapy:
One client shared standing in the parking lot after a job interview. A part of her felt a steady, wordless knowing that something about the company culture wasn’t right. That was intuition. But minutes later, the anxiety storm hit: "Maybe you’re just imagining it. What if you never get another offer? What if you’re being ungrateful?" The spinning thoughts weren’t her gut — they were her fear.
Picture yourself at a crossroads:

• If you feel a quiet, deep certainty pointing you toward (or away from) something — even if it's hard — it’s probably intuition.
  
• If your mind races through catastrophes and demands immediate action, it’s likely anxiety.
  

Another key difference is their behavior:

• Intuition tends to speak once and trusts you to act on it.
  
• Anxiety loops, second-guesses, and demands constant attention.
  

Another client once told me that when she was deciding whether to move in with her boyfriend, her intuition said clearly, "Not yet." It was a sad but peaceful knowing. But then the anxiety kicked in: "What if he leaves you? What if you regret it? What if you’re being too scared?" She described her anxiety as “pounding and relentless,” while the intuitive feeling had been “quiet and firm.”
Studies also show that people with anxiety disorders often experience a phenomenon called threat hypervigilance — where the brain is wired to constantly scan for danger, even when none exists (Grupe & Nitschke, 2013). This wiring can make anxiety feel louder and more persistent than intuition.
A simple self-check you can try when you're caught in uncertainty:

• Pause.
  
• Take a few deep breaths.
  
• Ask yourself: If I quiet the noise of fear, what do I already know deep inside?
  

Usually, intuition will be there — a steady whisper underneath the panic.
Why it matters:
Mistaking anxiety for intuition can lead to missed opportunities — relationships, careers, friendships, or experiences that could have brought fulfillment.
Mistaking intuition for anxiety can cause us to override vital red flags — stepping into harmful situations we could have avoided.
Learning to tell the difference is not about getting it perfect — it’s a practice. It takes patience, self-compassion, and sometimes the support of a therapist or trusted guide.
But with consistent effort, you begin to trust yourself — not just your choices, but your inner compass itself.

Relationships can be a source of deep connection and security, but for many individuals, they can also feel like an emotional rollercoaster. If you’ve ever found yourself caught in a pattern where one moment you crave closeness and the next you push your partner away, you may be experiencing a push-pull dynamic. This pattern often stems from unresolved abandonment wounds and can create a cycle of emotional instability that is difficult to break.
Understanding the Push-Pull DynamicPush-pull dynamics occur when one or both partners vacillate between seeking intimacy and creating distance. At the core of this behavior is an internal conflict: a deep longing for connection paired with an intense fear of being hurt or left behind. This results in one or both partners engaging in behaviors such as:

• Pursuing closeness (initiating affection, seeking reassurance, craving emotional connection)
• Creating distance (withdrawing, shutting down, becoming emotionally unavailable)

The cycle can be exhausting for both partners and often leads to confusion, frustration, and emotional pain.
The Role of Abandonment WoundsAbandonment wounds often originate in childhood, stemming from experiences such as neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or parental loss. These early experiences shape the way individuals form attachments in adult relationships. People with abandonment fears may subconsciously reenact past relational patterns, expecting rejection or abandonment and acting in ways that make those fears feel inevitable.
For example, someone with deep abandonment fears may:

• Cling to their partner when they feel insecure, seeking constant reassurance.
• Push their partner away if they start feeling too vulnerable, fearing that intimacy will lead to eventual rejection.
• Attract emotionally unavailable partners who reinforce their fear of abandonment.

This creates a self-fulfilling cycle, where the very behaviors intended to create security end up driving disconnection.
How to Break the CycleBreaking free from the push-pull dynamic requires self-awareness, emotional healing, and intentional relationship patterns. Here are some steps to help:
1. Recognize the PatternAwareness is the first step to change. Notice when you feel the urge to pull your partner closer or push them away, and reflect on what emotions are driving these actions.
2. Heal Abandonment WoundsTherapy can be a powerful tool for addressing deep-seated fears of abandonment. Inner child work, attachment-focused therapy, and trauma processing can help heal past wounds.
3. Communicate OpenlyHonest conversations about fears and insecurities can foster understanding in relationships. Expressing needs without blame allows for emotional safety and stability.
4. Develop Secure Attachment SkillsPracticing self-soothing techniques, setting healthy boundaries, and learning to tolerate emotional intimacy can help shift toward a secure attachment style.
5. Choose Partners Who Are Emotionally AvailableIf you find yourself repeatedly drawn to partners who reinforce abandonment fears, consider exploring why. Healthy relationships require both partners to be willing to engage in secure connection.
Final ThoughtsIf you struggle with push-pull dynamics in your relationships, know that you’re not alone. These patterns often stem from deeply rooted fears, but with awareness and healing, it is possible to cultivate stable, fulfilling connections. Therapy can be a transformative space to explore these dynamics, process past wounds, and build healthier relationship habits.
If you’re ready to work on breaking the cycle, consider scheduling a session to start your healing journey.